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Taking note

I feel super crappy about getting fired (a topic which, while probably self-explanatory, I will no doubt explore in great wordy depth eventually regardless) but right now, at this moment, what I'm thinking is:

I'm about to go out into a perfect October day. I have lots of warm and suitable clothes to enjoy what I'm doing. I am packing a lunch full of healthy nutritious food. I am meeting a friend who is an awesome person. I am doing a thing which is fun and cool and which I've been wanting to do for years now, and today I am!

I have no job, but I didn't love the job. It wasn't a dream job. And I have a very safe and cozy place to live that I'm not really in danger of losing, even if money becomes a serious thing. I have no one depending on me and no one to worry about besides myself. I've already had two explicit offers of financial help, and I think there are probably several implicit ones. (I hope, and assume, I won't need any of them, but that is totally not the point.) When this bad thing happened to me, I was a) able to reach out for support, and b) received it-- without judgment.

Jesus fucking christ, if you compiled a list of "criteria for happiness" I'd run out of ink before I stopped checking boxes.

The feeling I have, overwhelmingly, is dejection, and I'm going to try to allow my feelings-- it's a crappy thing to happen and it's normal to feel bad-- but I really did want to take note of this awareness; it doesn't make the feeling go away, and that's fine, but it broadens the experience so it's balanced by things that heal.

Comments

emortimer
Oct. 12th, 2015 02:15 pm (UTC)

Jesus fucking christ, if you compiled a list of "criteria for happiness" I'd run out of ink before I stopped checking boxes.


this makes me very happy for you.